I Feel Nothing

Because I was feeling especially happy and giddy I thought I would read a work that would take those feelings and smash them into the realm of despair and apathy. This is my devotional practice. So I read:

Less Than Zero – by Bret Easton Ellis

I missed the pop cultural boat when this book came out in 1985 and folks were excited about the insightful view of an aspect of American culture that Ellis offered. I was 11 at the time and not really aware of the drugs, sex, and rock and roll scene. For example, the first album I ever purchased was a Benny Goodman LP. So the book didn’t speak to me when it came out especially since my parents would never let me read it. In fact, I hope my mom doesn’t find out that I did read it because she still might not think that it is very appropriate and I don’t want to get in trouble.

I found the book very well constructed, engaging, and exhausting to read. That last part is meant as a compliment. The characters are all empty and yet I was still able to connect/relate with them at some level which is why it was exhausting. It was mostly Clay, the main character, with whom I found a connection and I think that was Ellis’ point. Clay offers introspection, reflection, and insight into his pain.

Clay is searching. He is searching for something that he lost, innocence, an Eden, a time of feeling, or just a nice place in Palm Springs. Regardless what it is, Clay has lost something and the readers are led to believe that the other characters have lost something as well. On one level they have everything they need, materially speaking, but on a deeper level they have nothing. Their relationships are fleeting, there is no sense of family, love, or loyalty. There is no sense of purpose in life. This is the emptiness that I found in this work.

Does this book speak to today or is such a work strictly a historical phenomena? I don’t know if I would say that many have everything they need, but there certainly is a practice of excess in much of America. This adds to the emptiness that many feel. I don’t know if people are searching for anything but there is a sense that something is lost in our American culture. What it is will vary, but we all may have that shared experience that what we once had was great and it now is gone.

Think about this from a religious perspective. When considering how to “be” a church many offer programs, activities, different worship services, and more and more. We have a great culture of abundance in our society and churches tend to try to capture such a culture. A “busy” church is often seen and portrayed as a “good” church even if people are working themselves to death. If we can offer more and more then maybe people will come or stay and we will find whatever it is that we have lost.

How has that been working for us?

If we feel we have lost something, what is it? If people who have no connection with a church community or any idea of faith feel they have lost something, then what is it? We do not know. We do not know what it is that we have lost and yet we are killing ourselves trying to find it. Here is the connection with Less Than Zero.

We will kill ourselves trying to find something, anything to hold onto because it will never be enough. We will kill ourselves saying we know what is the answer when we are not even sure about the question. Stop trying, stop searching, and just sit still for a moment. Sit still and cry. Sit still and lament. Sit still and grieve and maybe you will start to realize what it is that you are missing.

I think God is a part of this. I believe that our faith can offer guidance and hope, but I cannot and will not say how. We all are at a place that is so far gone that we do not have anything to lose, that we are all at a place than can be categorized as less than zero.

See, happy and fulfilling.