Ho Hum, I love Jesus, blah, blah, blah...

I finished reading a book yesterday. This is something that excites me because I tend to read such heavy and dense tomes that it takes me too darn long to get to the end. By the time I finish the book I find that I have forgotten what the beginning of the book was about. I suppose at that point I should read the book again, but then I would never get beyond one book.

I finished Peter Berger’s The Sacred Canopy. It is a slightly dated sociological work on religion, but has a still relevant analysis on the influence of secularization, pluralism, and the free religious market of America on churches today. I give it a wholehearted thumb and a half up. If there was more gratuitous sex in the book then I would give it two thumbs up, but alas it was not meant to be.

Yesterday (Sunday) morning I found myself staring at my sermon manuscript.

 My usual routine at that time of day is to go over my sermon a couple of times, read it out loud, and work on those final preparations. Yesterday I did not want to do it. I was not into it.

I do not think it was just the sermon itself – can you imagine me writing a dull sermon? Neither can I. I think it was deeper than the sermon that brought about the spiritual malaise of the moment. I think I would describe it as a lapse of faith.

Now don’t get all in a tizzy because I suggest I had a lapse of faith. I’m of the Saint John of the Cross school of thought; I feel people should have moments of the “Dark Night of the Soul” when they question and doubt. The intensity and severity of those moments will vary so not every moment of darkness will be all encompassing. They may be moments on a Sunday morning when you are sitting at your desk before worship, looking at your sermon, and wondering, “what the f**k am I doing?” I have these moments from time to time to time to time… These experiences are important because they are potentially moments to grow in faith (or to loose your faith but lets keep the glass half-full for now).

I still showed up to work. I smiled and I glad-handed, and was present for people. One of my fears is that I preach a sermon without conviction. In order to escape this potential preaching black hole I found that I had to work on my prayers and sense of God’s presence in my life during the service. Let me say that again. I had to work on my prayers and sense of God’s presence in my life.

The idea that prayer is work and that a sense of spirituality takes effort should not be new or earth shattering. Yet it is something that I need to remind myself of again and again. It is easy to read some Bible passage, sit for the appropriate amount of time, and then end with some pre-scripted prayer. I am amazed how well I can go through the entire schedule of my day during that time. What is difficult is focusing, listening for God, and actually sharing with God. This is work, hard work that I need to improve upon.

In the end I feel like I did a decent job with the sermon. I preached, I felt the movement of the Holy Spirit, and I believe there was sincerity to my conviction. This morning I started again to work on my prayer and spirituality. I really tried to work on being focused. I don’t think my family appreciated me yelling at the top of my lungs at 5am, “FOCUS ON GOD! FOCUS ON GOD! YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF ----, FOCUS ON THE LORD, THE REDEEMER. COME-ON, FOCUS ON GOD!”

In case you were hoping for something more grounded and academic – go read some of Teresa of Avila’s experience of spirituality, maybe the Interior Castle or something. Read St. John of the Cross’ Dark Night of the Soul – then go ahead and gloat that you actually finished a book